


Memories of Something Deeper

by quartzguts



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Set during 358/2 Days, Sharing a Bed, i guess, not really angst but not overtly happy either, not sure how to tag this exactly, xemnas is emotionless but trying his best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 06:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18733588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quartzguts/pseuds/quartzguts
Summary: Xemnas has questions, and he isn't getting any answers.





	Memories of Something Deeper

**Author's Note:**

> *holds up sign that says I don't know how to characterize Xemnas and at this point I'm too afraid to ask*
> 
> Anyway have some cute Xemsai. Technically one sided because Xemnas can't feel anything but it's like.... not actually one sided ;)

Xemnas knows Saïx is a traitor. He can see it as clearly as the inky black sky that hangs over the World that Never Was. Every bowed head, every followed order, every gesture of loyalty is simply to lull him into a false sense of security. All for the purpose of finding and saving that girl.

 

If Xemnas was still Xehanort, he has no doubt that he would strike Saïx and Axel down without hesitation. There are, of course, countless other nobodies in the worlds. Finding replacements would be no trouble at all.

 

Something stays his hand. Xemnas would worry about it if he had the capacity to. He decides to ask II for his opinion before going to bed one evening; Xigbar is, after all, his oldest ally, and he often looked to him for guidance while he was without memories. Even now he looks to Xigbar when he falters. There are things he has forgotten in the process of falling to darkness, things which Number II seems to remember perfectly.

 

Xigbar grins at him. It's an unnerving smile, and Xemnas immediately knows that he isn't going to get a real answer. Instead Xigbar gives him a simple "who can say?" and a pat on the back. Agitated, Xemnas returns to his bedroom.

 

It's spartan, at best. Just a bed and a small desk in the corner for when work follows Xemnas into the evening. He has already dressed down to a tank top and sweatpants and climbed into bed when a knock comes at the door.

 

Xemnas can check who it is easily. He knows all things that happen in the castle, and all things in the World That Never Was in general. He is not called the Superior of the In Between for nothing.

 

He doesn't always take advantage of that ability, though. He often leaves himself in the dark, in the hopes that something will happen that is unusual enough to surprise him. At this hour, he would expect that the only members brave enough (or stupid enough) to bother him are Xigbar, Marluxia, Larxene, or Demyx. He doesn't care what any of them think of him enough to rise out of bed, so he gives his approval to enter immediately.

 

He isn't surprised, per say, but he definitely wasn't expecting Saïx to open the door.

 

Number VII is immediately startled by Xemnas's appearance. He blushes slightly and turns his head away while apologizing for disturbing him.

 

Xemnas pushes up on his elbows and waits for Saïx to tell him why he's here, although the manila envelope Saïx is holding gives him some idea.

 

"I've come to discuss a new world that Axel discovered today," Saïx says. His voice is just slightly softer than usual. Xemnas marvels at the change. "I wanted to arrange some missions there tomorrow, thus my visit at such a late hour." A pause, while Xemnas considers the situation. "If you would like, I could come back tomorrow morning -"

 

"No, now is acceptable," Xemnas says, sitting up completely. One of the straps of his tank top slips off his shoulder. After noticing the way it draws Saïx's eye, he decides not to fix it.

 

This is a fascinating set of reactions from his second in command. He must pursue this line of inquiry further. He may even find the answer to his question in the process. If he’s lucky.

 

"Come, sit," Xemnas says. He reaches a hand back to comb through the tangles in his hair and tries to avoid yawning.

 

Saïx looks around briefly. He's good at masking his emotions, but Xemnas can see how uneasy he is. "Where?" He asks. "You don't appear to have any chairs here."

 

"No. I prefer to work while standing. I know, however, that you are the opposite."

 

"I see…."

 

The remark is a question, although one Saïx is hesitant to pose. He often avoids asking for further clarification to give the appearance of understanding and efficiency. Xemnas likes to be particularly vague every now and then, just to keep him on his toes.

 

Saïx continues shifting from one foot to the other subtly, until he gives in and asks: "where should I sit, sir?"

 

Xemnas moves out from under the sheets and sits at the edge of his bed. He pats the spot next to him and smiles. "Right here."

 

Saïx hesitates only slightly before coming to sit down where Xemnas indicates. He swings one leg over the other as he usually does, looking perfectly comfortable now that he's regained his metaphorical footing. Xemnas endeavours to make him stumble again by leaning in so that his face is close to Saïx's.

 

Saïx shivers, just a little bit. The not-feeling akin to curiosity that has been bubbling in Xemnas's chest flares.

 

This is dangerous. For more than one reason. Xemnas doesn't relent.

 

They spend the next several minutes awkwardly going over the information Saïx has gathered. The fact that Axel is the member Saïx wants to send on missions to this world means that he probably believes there's a chance of finding the girl there. Xemnas remembers her, somewhat; it's a testament to how strong their friendship was that Saïx is still searching for her, all these years later. Or maybe he's just too stubborn to give up. As nobodies not much gives their lives purpose. Maybe Saïx is just trying to fill the void in his heart.

 

Like many, many times before, Xemnas approves of Saïx's requests. It doesn't matter much, after all. They'll never find her. Xemnas's own heart, Ansem, has been searching all these years as well, with far more resources and time than VII and VIII have had, and he hasn't found her either.

 

Xemnas leans his head against Saïx's shoulder and yawns, too tired to hold it in. It isn't very comfortable, resting his cheek against the leather, but he mostly wants to see how Saïx will react. He takes a sharp breath, just barely audible in the stillness of the room, and grips the folder harder.

 

Intriguing.

 

"Go on," Xemnas says. "You haven't finished your report yet, correct?"

 

"No, sir," Saïx says. There's just a slight shake in his voice. Xemnas turns to nuzzle against his neck.

 

Saïx loses his cool. "Superior, _what_ are you _doing_?!"

 

Xemnas can't help but laugh. It's emotionless, a memory of how he'd once reacted to humor, but it's also reflexive. Xemnas must find this situation funny, then, on some subconscious level.

 

Saïx is blushing, now, deep red all over his cheeks. Xemnas pokes at his skin, feeling how hot it is.

 

" _Superior_ ," Saïx says again. He's almost ripped the folder from how hard he's gripping it.

 

"You need to learn to relax, Saïx," Xemnas says. "Although I must admit I was teasing you. My apologies."

 

"You… were teasing me," Saïx says, like he doesn't believe it. "That is unlike you, Superior."

 

"Hmm. I suppose." Xemnas can't stop himself, now. He runs his fingers through Saïx's hair, admiring how silky it is. The color is familiar. "You are quite cute, did you know?"

 

Saïx groans and drops his head into his hands. The folder falls to the ground. "Please stop."

 

He keeps petting Saïx's hair. "Are you -"

 

"Please don't ask that question," Saïx mutters.

 

"What question did you think I'd ask?" Xemnas says. He ignores the fact that Saïx just cut him off; in their current situation, alone in Xemnas's bedroom, it feels appropriate that they drop formalities just a little. And Xemnas must admit he gets tired of constantly being _the_ _Superior_.

 

"Nevermind," Saïx says, but Xemnas isn't letting him get away that easily. He moves to rest his head against Saïx again, this time in the crook of his neck.

 

Saïx shudders. "You can be very cruel, Superior."

 

"Oh? Do explain."

 

"You know what I'm talking about."

 

Xemnas frowns. "I assure you, I do not."

 

Saïx peeks out from behind his fingers. "You really don't know," he says, tone flat.

 

Xemnas considers his options. He doesn't like the idea of looking incompetent in front of his subordinates, but he finds it doesn't bother him as much when it's Saïx. And the issue is clearly one of an emotional sort, which Xemnas has a fundamental inability to understand.

 

But that doesn't mean he's stupid. He can guess what the problem is based on Saïx's reactions.

 

"Intriguing," he murmurs. "I wonder if these emotions come from mere memories of your past life, or something deeper."

 

Saïx hesitantly takes the hand Xemnas has been carding through his hair with and intertwines their fingers. "I don't have emotions."

 

Of course he thinks he doesn't. Their hearts are weak, after all. It's easy to blame any latent feelings they develop on memories.

 

In Xemnas's case, memories really are all he has; he feels nothing even now, with Saïx blushing and shaking under his touch. And such a light touch it is. Xemnas has barely gotten close and Saïx is more affected than Xemnas could ever be. Has already felt more than Xemnas could ever feel. It's an intoxicating sensation, to see another's emotions at play. As he keeps the others blind to their own hearts, it isn't often he sees their feelings so raw and unchained. He wants to see more.

 

In one swift movement, he reaches an arm around Saïx and pulls him back onto the bed.

 

Saïx yelps. It's the loudest sound Xemnas has ever heard him make, save when he's berserking. He struggles just a bit as Xemnas settles them on top of the sheets with his arms around Saïx's waist and his chest pressed against Saïx's back.

 

"I - what -" Saïx stutters. "What are you _doing_?"

 

"Going to bed," Xemnas murmurs. He _is_ tired; he's been tired for hours, and the exhaustion set in tenfold when Saïx tried to talk to him about costs and production values.

 

Saïx shifts, trying to break out of Xemnas's grip to sit up. Xemnas sighs; this isn't the reaction he was looking for, but without feelings of his own it's hard to predict what his second is thinking. He lets go. Saïx sits up and looks at him.

 

"Are you alright?" isn't the question Xemnas thought he'd hear.

 

He's faced the unexpected too many times tonight. All he can manage as a response is a hum.

 

Saïx stares at him for a moment (golden eyes, gold because Saïx is a part of him even if he doesn't know it yet) before getting up and going to turn off the light. Xemnas closes his eyes. He hears the shuffling of clothes and then feels a weight press down on the bed.

 

He opens his eyes to Saïx, dressed down to his undershirt and boxers, climbing into the bed. He catches Xemnas's eye for a second before he blushes again and turns around, returning them to their previous position.

 

Xemnas wraps his arms around Saïx easily. He vaguely remembers laying with someone else like this over a lifetime ago, gently enjoying their company without worrying about what the morning would bring. He thinks the emotion he once associated with that memory was love.

 

The bond between him and Saïx isn’t love, but they do share an affinity for one another. Their connection is etched in their hearts. They’re replicas of one man, but not quite perfect, not quite complete. A faulty nobody and an incomplete vessel.

 

Although there might be something else between them as well.

 

"Superior -" Saïx begins, but then he stops and takes a deep breath. "Xemnas. Are you alright?"

 

 _No_ is probably the right answer. Xemnas always feels like he's swaying back and forth on a tightrope, and if he leans too far in one direction or the other he'll fall to his death. He doesn't have time to falter, though, not when their plans rely so heavily on him completing the organization.

 

Even when the memories that surge when he talks to the armor make him hesitate. Even when seeing his old heart imposed on Saïx’s own makes him falter.

 

"Just lost in old memories," Xemnas says easily. It's not really the truth, but although Xemnas is sure Saïx will notice he's also sure he won't call him out on it. "Nothing unusual."

 

"I see," Saïx says. "Memories of Radiant Garden…?"

 

"No," Xemnas answers honestly before he can stop himself. He's fascinated by it. He never stays awake this long after getting tired, so he's never known how lack of sleep could affect him. "From before that. Long ago."

 

Saïx pulls one of Xemnas's hands off his waist and intertwines their fingers again. "It should be impossible, but I like you," Saïx murmurs. "If you need anything, please ask."

 

Is he lying? He might be. Saïx must hate him for what he did to the girl. For what he did to Lea. And for what he did to Isa.

 

In this moment, though, it doesn't matter. "Believe me when I say I trust no one more than you," Xemnas says, and although it would usually be a lie intended to placate a rowdy underling it isn't this time. "Nonetheless, this is not something I can share with you."

 

Saïx groans a little, shifting in Xemnas's arms. They're laying on top of the sheets, but Xemnas is perfectly warm with Saix curled up in his arms. He presses a soft kiss against Saïx’s neck.

 

Saïx hums. “I wonder how this will feel,” he says softly, “when I have my heart back.”

 

Xemnas wants to tell him. He wants to tell him that he not only has his own heart, but a piece of another’s as well, both gently beating in his chest. He wants to free him from all of this.

 

Instead he presses up against Saïx and closes his eyes.

 

They both fall asleep quickly. Xemnas briefly considers the fact that Xigbar often barges into his room early in the morning to pester him but can’t find it within himself to care.

 

(Hours later, they wake to Xigbar laughing at the two of them in bed together. Saïx blushes scarlet. Xemnas admires the color. The next night, they repeat the cycle.)


End file.
